Game Face in the World of Miscarriage

Typically my newsletters reside around book news…but today’s is a bit more personal.

Today my best friend in the whole world celebrates her 5-Year wedding anniversary. While she looks back and remembers all the beautiful friends and family gathered around her, laughing, drinking, celebrating…
collage picsI remember standing in the stall of a hotel bathroom, wadding up my chiffon bridesmaid dress and injecting a 1 1/2 inch needle into my progesteroneThe needle is thick too. It has to be because I was injecting progesterone in oil, a hormone that is often prescribed for women suffering from recurrent pregnancy loss.
hqdefaultI nicked a vein, as you sometimes can, and when I pulled the needle out, a fountain of blood squirted out in it’s wake. Being prepared for this exact moment, I had a wad of toilet paper tucked into the waistband of my Spanx and was able to put pressure on the bleed right away.

I slapped on a bandaid, yanked up my spanx…and went back out into the party.

Game. Face. On.

game face

A Game Face is a vital necessity when you’re living in the world of recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility. You see, three days prior to this…I was living in hell.

My husband, Kevin and I had just found out we were pregnant…with twins. Exciting times for most, but scary as hell for us. This was pregnancy number three for us. I had suffered two miscarriages prior to this day. Miscarriage one at 12 weeks, miscarriage 2 at 12 weeks 2 day. Miscarriage two began on the due date of Pregnancy 1.

Life was funny like that.1018100741

At barely six weeks pregnant, I was cramping so badly I swore I had internal bleeding. Several ultrasounds and an ER visit later, my doctor informed me that he wasn’t sure what was going on but that we should NOT attend this wedding five hours away in Kansas City.

“But it’s my best friend! I’m the maid of honor!” I cried to him, sitting inside a dingy ER exam room. I was literally bleeding all over myself at the time because for whatever reason, ER’s don’t ever want you wearing clothes beneath your hospital gowns.

He gave me those sad, sympathetic doctor eyes but remained firm on his position.

Kevin and I got in the car and before the door was shut I was yelling, “There is no way in hell I’m missing DJ’s wedding, Kevin. No way!” DJ has been my best friend since we were babies. I convinced her to stick a popcorn seed up her nose in Kindergarden and we’ve been thick as thieves ever since. Thankfully, Kevin completely understood. He’s is good like that.

So my doctor wrote me a prescription for pregnancy safe pain medicine, handed us my HUGE medical record, and wrote down a list of all the nearest hospitals in KC. We were preparing for the worst to happen while we were there.hands

I would likely miscarry.

Most people probably look at me and think…are you crazy? Stay home! Lay down! Keep your babies safe! But when you’re living in the world of recurrent pregnancy loss…life doesn’t stop. If I would have skipped out on every special event or evening out because I “might miscarry” or I “might be pregnant” … I would have been even more miserable than I already was.

And guys…I was pretty freaking miserable. It took us three years to get pregnant the first time and then I got the double whammy of being diagnosed a “habitual aborter”…at least, that’s what my medical records call recurrent miscarriage.

This is where the game face comes in.


It’s party time, remember? My best friend is marrying the love of her life! So we dance, and we laugh, and we fake drink the night away…because the last thing I want to do is tell everyone I’m pregnant with twins but probably going to lose them before I get home. That’s the life of a Habitual Aborter. You mask the bad with the good. You perfect your Game Face. Because there’s no handicaps in the world of infertility and miscarriage. Every stroke is yours. Every bogey is recorded. And there’s no best ball.

Thankfully, I made it through the wedding, but I later lost both those beautiful babies. It wasn’t in Kansas City though. Baby A passed away around 9 weeks and Baby B literally fell into my hands over a toilet bowl in labor and delivery at 14 weeks pregnant.

But here’s the funny thing…the real kicker…  

Today, when my bestie posts a beautiful blog spread, celebrating her amazing day…it doesn’t make me sad at all. It doesn’t make me mourn the loss of those babies. It makes me feel closer to those precious lives I lost. It makes me feel like I shared one of the most beautiful memories with them. They were with me…inside of me…when I watched my best friend walk down the isle.

They were with me then…

They are with me now…

And they certainly….are with this little miracle that I ate fruit loops with in bed this morning.


My point is…regardless of the bad…regardless of the sad…regardless of the horrid memories we all walk around with…it’s all shaping us into who we are. You just have to put on your game face, and get back in there. Because shooting for that big WIN is what makes memories worth keeping.

 10689481_1510303915911294_5779867820127012396_nAmy Daws lives in South Dakota with her husband, and miracle daughter, Lorelei. The long-awaited birth of Lorelei is what inspired Amy’s first book, a memoir called Chasing Hope, and her passion for writing. Amy is a lover of all things British and her award-nominated romantic comedy series, The London Lovers Series, is centered around Americans in London. It’s emotional and self-deprecating with lots of humor sprinkled in.
On most nights, you can find Amy and her family dancing to Strawberry Shortcake’s theme song or stuffing themselves inside children’s-sized playhouses because there is nothing they wouldn’t do for their little miracle.

For more of Amy’s work, visit:

So much is happening!

I’m having trouble knowing where to begin this blog post because I’m overwhelmed with amazing things happening!

First of all…did you see my USA Today Feature on why I set my romance series in London?
It was AMAZING! So exciting to see my name next to ANYTHING USA Today related!
Weekend Hot Reads copyClick here to read the full article! 

Also, I’m working on a special project that has nothing to do with my London Lovers or my memoir series.
I can’t release details yet, but it will be coming soon!


Then…oh then…today of all days…a really incredibly special book anniversary snuck up on me.
My baby. My pride. My joy.

Chasing Hope

Never in a million years did I think I’d be anywhere that I am sitting today.
Writing a blog on my very own author website?
Are you serious?
I always wanted to be a sitcom writer as a child. I thought that sounded so cool. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to write a whole book! It seemed like too many pages…too many words…too overwhelming.
Then these tragedies started happening to me.
Life-changing sadness enveloped me and my husband and I was hurting. I was hurting for everything I’d lost and I was hurting for the hope that was fleeing from me every single day.
I had to do something.
So I wrote.

At first it was just the days of the “sad tragedies.”
So I would never forget….
Then it turned into more.
Then I started asking questions about publishing.
Then I found an editor.
Then I picked a day to release.
Then I introduced my angel babies to the world.
So they could be remembered always…not only in my heart…but on paper.
1 Year Anniversary graphic

Happy 1-Year Anniversary Chasing Hope.
You started something for me.
Something I never thought I could do.
I’ve just released my fourth book now and I found so much more than HOPE when I published you.

I found my dream and I found my happy ending,
both in family and in my career.
I call that…a really good freaking year.

Chasing Hope Order Links: 


London Lovers Order Links: 

#1 Becoming Us – $0.99 LIMITED TIME!!


#2 A Broken Us


#3 London Bound – $2.99 LIMITED TIME!


Nevaeh Peace

In honor of the 1-Year Angelversary of my sixth pregnancy loss, I’d like to share an excerpt from Chasing Peace. Chasing Peace is the sequel to Chasing Hope and tells the story of my beautiful angel, Neveah Peace. She was my most painful loss to date. This is a hard day today and it sometimes feels like it only happened yesterday. I miss you sweet baby, I can still feel you resting quietly on my heart.

Pageflex Persona [document: PRS0000032_00025]

Chasing Peace:
As the medical team pushed the bed and me down the hall, I felt so very alone and so very sad. Kevin was instructed to wait in Labor and Delivery Triage. I can’t imagine the sight of watching your significant other get wheeled away to emergency surgery while you have to stay back, helpless and alone.
I was crying softly when one of the nurses reached under the blanket and grabbed my hand. She rubbed it soothingly as we passed through the maize of hallways and hospital corridors. It felt like we were moving at warp speed, but her strokes were soft and sincere. I remember her telling me over and over that it was going to be all right. She only stopped stroking my hand when we reached the O.R. and they needed to transfer me to the operating table.
Staring up at the ceiling, the medical team all busied themselves prepping me for surgery. Even with a huge team of people around me, it still felt like it was just me and my little baby in the room. I took a moment and rubbed my small belly. I whispered softly, “Good-bye my little fighter. I’m so so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could have kept you, but I can’t.” I sobbed loudly knowing my baby was alive inside me but they had to take her out anyways. Tears streamed down my temples and into my hairline.
The anesthesiologist came over with a washcloth and wiped away the moisture on my face. He didn’t say anything encouraging. He didn’t tell me I was going to be alright. He just wiped my tears. That silence screamed volumes. He knew. He knew what a horrible and rotten situation this was and since words failed him, he offered a simple touch instead. Eventually he put a mask over my face and told me to take ten deep breaths. Before I passed out, the last thing I remember was my own hand continually rubbing my small belly.
~Chasing Peace, A Memoir by Amy Daws


The mold of our sweet
Nevaeh Peace. 903228_10100539417340503_477447998_o









Our very special Dragon Fly Christmas tree. An ornament for each sweet angel. 983720_10100730997182963_5730351640912031139_n


















You Are Enough

Today is National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Just saying those words is depressing isn’t it? The fact that pregnancy loss happens to so many people that we need to designate a day to raise awareness just sucks. It sucks bad. But there it is….so now what? We’re talking about it, posting about it, tweeting about it. But what’s it really doing? Who’s it really helping?

When I started writing Chasing Hope, I wanted to write it just to get the nightmares out of my head. And to show to my family the true  trauma Kevin and I went through. No one knew and it was killing me that I had endured these ugly, life altering events and no one had any inkling the scary situations we were put in.

But something happened during my writing process. Something amazing. Hope found a way of sneaking in. HOPE of all things! After five losses in a row…five gory, ugly, bloody losses….how they heck could HOPE get in there? But it did. I laugh because the working titles of my book were nowhere near “Chasing Hope.” But it was like my story wanted to name itself by the time it was all over.

Maybe it’s because I’m one of the lucky ones. I have a daughter. After all our pain and anguish, I was granted a sassy, spirited little toddler with curly hair, big eyes and has miracle baby plastered all over her precious chubby face. Getting her granted me perspective. Getting her made me proud of my HOPE and not embarrassed by it.

But I know there are so so many couples out there right now that are grieving their losses without a little miracle to comfort them. And my heart breaks for them because we had those tragic, dark days too. Those days where I would hole up in our home office with the lights off and just cry and cry and cry and pray that hubby wouldn’t come in because I was just so so tired of sympathy.

So, try this thought on for size…

I am not going to give those couples sympathy today. I’m not going to give them awareness. I’m not even going to give them HOPE.

I’m going to give them a glimmer of the BIG PICTURE. The BIG PICTURE…is that someday, it will all make sense. I PROMISE you. Someday you WILL find your purpose, you will find your PEACE. You will find your own ENDING. It may not end with a child, as hard of a pill that is to swallow, it’s a distinct possibility. But you have to find a way to make yourself okay. You have to find a way to make yourself be ENOUGH. Because you are ENOUGH.

Grieve your losses today. Light your candles. Hug your spouses. But look into each other’s eyes and say, even without all of this…YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

parking lot excerpt